Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
