i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
