finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
