This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just blew my weed a kiss
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
