So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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