At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
