Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
i've created a new STD.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
