Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
