i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
