FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
