I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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