I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
