did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I want to have your abortion
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
