saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
