on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
