i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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