how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
