Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
