Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
