Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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