so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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