is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
