Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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