Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
sarcasm needs its own font
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
