Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
