he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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