Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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