I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
