I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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