if i can run in heels then i can drive
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
