My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
