Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
