Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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