I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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