Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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