im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
