You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
