On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
