Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
