i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
