I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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