ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
