i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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