even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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