Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
