Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
