There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
