i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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