I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize