Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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