The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
