Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
