True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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