Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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