There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
