So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
