to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
