My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
