I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
