I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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