Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
