i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i love accidental penises.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
