And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize